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28 November 2005 @ 08:48 am
last week was the week from hell. i b/p almost every day last week and didn't really accomplish anything in terms of school work. basically a complete write off. it's now monday morning and i am planning on getting it back on track. i have less than a month before x-mas and i need to lose about 7-10 pounds in that time. totally doable. gotta get to work now but will update more soon.
23 November 2005 @ 09:27 pm
i feel like shit. no motivation. no strength. i'm weak. totally weak. and i am so screwed. not only with my eating but with school. why do i continue to fuck around when i know that i have so much on the line? i hate everthing right now and just want to curl up until it all goes away. too bad i'm the only person who can make that happen...
Current Mood: draineddrained
20 November 2005 @ 05:42 pm
eating has been great so far today. actually, this weekend has been one of the best i have had in a long time. i have been eating healthy food, probably more that ideal, but since i usually find the weekends are a binging disaster, this is a MAJOR improvement. and it's payed off. went to the gym today and when i weighed myself after my workout i found that i am down another pound. i was 127.5 when i started posting here more regularly and now i am 125.5! woohoo. i know it's a small step, but this is huge for me and i am super proud of myself. i hope everyone else had a wonderful weekend and seeing the results of their hard work!
xoxo steph
Current Mood: accomplished
20 November 2005 @ 12:55 pm
ughh, it's sunday and here i am at school doing school work (well not at this very moment, but i am really, i swear!) why does school have to suck so much? why can't i concentrate at home? i wish i could sit at home all comfy in my own place and get a lot of work done like i do when i am here or even at a coffee shop. yesterday i went to starbucks and got a bunch of reading done- way more that i would have at home- even though there were people everywhere talking. ughh. so anyways, i shouldn't spend too much time here complaining about it, i really should just work. the good thing is that now i am here i am near the gym, since i go to the one at my school. my goal is to work for the next 2 hours, go to the gym for 2 hours, then come back here for another 2 hours. it's one now so that will put me here until 7pm. enough time to get home, tidy up and make something healthy for my lunches this week (which i do every sunday- a always make a batch of something like soup, brown rice and veg stirfry- so i that eating and meal planning is a bit easier for the week) then desperate housewives at 9pm!!! ok, gotta get on this so i can make it all happen! strong and positive. positive and strong.
18 November 2005 @ 10:20 am
ahh fateful friday is upon us again. i am so happy to be ending this week...and so unhappy about how much work i have to do this weekend! the next 2 and a half weeks (until december 5th) are going to be hell on earth for me, but there isn't much i can do about it except push through, make the best of it and try not to go crazy. i have to be good to myself over this time or i will not be able to handle it. i can be binging and purging and freaking out over every little thing i eat, it will ruin all my concentration and my school work will suffer. i can't afford to have it suffer at this point. i am in my final year and my performance during this time will determine if i get into grad school. so, with this in mind, i still need to structure my eating and exercise so that i don't feel like a fat tub of lard and mind trip myself in that direction either. today has been a good day so far, even though i had a fairly yucky night last night...i ate way too much but of all really healthy food so i am trying to to let it get me down. it's only 10:40am so i have the whole rest of the day ahead of me though. i am at work until noon, spinning from 12:10 until 1pm, then probably 20 mins on the treadmill. i also wanted to do a bit of strength training as well. i need to tone up. i feel like i've lost some weight but i'm worried that it's just my muscles deteriorating because i havn't lifted in almost 2 months. after the gym i have to go home to work, work, work. i'll keep the eating light but i have to eat if i want to study. probably some light veggie soup and maybe a spinach salad. snack will be an apple with 1-2 tbsp of peanut butter. dinner is always tougher because i eat with my boyfriend and he likes to eat out, especially on weekends and especially when we are both so bogged down with work. so i am thinking of making his favorite soup while i am studying (after everything is in the pot it's just a matter of letting it sit on the stove anyways). the soup is really healthy and super yummy and filling. it's the perfect way to get out of a high cal/fat meal. it's also perfect for the weather we have been having which is COLD COLD COLD! i hate it but love it at the same time. i hate being cold, but i love all the other things that come with it like hot tea and coffee, snuggly sweaters, roaring fires (how i wish i had a fireplace in my apartment!) ok, well that was a rant and a half and i should get a bit more done before i leave for the day. strong and positive!!
17 November 2005 @ 02:00 pm
just lost to myself right now. not sure what i'm doing anymore or why i'm doing it. why am i here all day when i need to be working? why do i read over these posts again and again...making things worse and not better for myself? how will i ever realize my dreams and goals (not the ED goals, but my real life goals with respect to school and my work) if i'm always obssessing about something that will never make me happy. i'm never going to win the battle between me and the ED, i'd have to forfeit and that's so not my style. "i cannot name this, i cannot explain this, and i really don't want to, just call me SHAMELESS. i can't even slow this down, let alone stop it, and i keep looking around but i cannot top it" A.D.
11 November 2005 @ 11:09 am
just a quick one for now. at work and it's ok because friday is a half day for me this month (only because i have so much school work i should be doing). finishing in less than an hour and then off to the gym for a spinning class. after that home to work on my essay. food is ok...breakfast- 1 egg, 1 tomato slice, 2 soy toast (200cals) lunch will be veggie soup and salad. back to work, need to stay focused today!
10 November 2005 @ 11:35 pm
about to go to sleep. had a pretty good night. food has been decent for my standards and feel positive for tomorrow. have dinner with my cousin at a thai restaurant that i love so i'm going to try and eat very little the rest of the day but enough so thati can go to the gym at noon and not feel like i'm going to faint (probably an apple and some fat-free yogurt). gotta stay positive, gotta stay strong.
Current Mood: sleepysleepy
10 November 2005 @ 07:33 pm
Your Birthdate: August 20

You are a virtual roller coaster of emotions, and most people enjoy the ride.
Your mood tends to set the tone of the room, and when you're happy, this is a good thing.
When you get in a dark mood, watch out - it's very hard to get you out of it.
It's sometimes hard for you to cheer up, and your gloom can be contagious.

Your strength: Your warm heart

Your weakness: Trouble controlling your emotions

Your power color: Black

Your power symbol: Musical note

Your power month: February

pretty cool, it seems pretty accurate!
Current Mood: deviousdevious